peace out holidays

its really funny re reading all your blogs. things change so fast and you really don't even notice or remember things that got you here.
i found the blog after the night of our first girls pizza night. that was an incredible string of nights that lead to an amazing year of love and learning. its just so hard to not look back. but i have plenty more nights and plenty more learning to do.
christmas was better than expected, well, i was better than i expected. i think it is, as i am sure it is for a lot of people, hard not missing people you wish were here to spend the holidays with. i spent christmas eve with the 2 most important people to a friend who died over a year ago. it was so hard not wishing she was there, but i know she would have been so happy to have brought us closer. and an empty house that once was not, a lonely place on christmas night. but i made it through and in a few days the holidays will be over and i can start a new year.
my new years resolutions... well, i don't know i guess. nothing specifically, but a million little things. maybe i need a list, i do love a good list.

little boxes

I love when I get super excited about something and I dive into my closest to dig through random paper scraps, stamps and pictures searching for the thing that will express it just right. And the words fly around in my head and I rush to document them before I forget. And I can't decide which song to listen to, so I have to listen to them all. And there I am, middle of my mess, screaming the lyrics to some hardcore song. I LOVE THESE NIGHTS!
Blah blah blah... and your words were the inspiration.

"It couldn't have been made more clear"

future tattoo
future r.votolato song
Redo

Cha cha changes

Last night Cynthia(new room mate) and I rearranged the living room. Our goal was to make it more cozy and get the TV out of the fireplace so we can make fires this winter, for ambiance, not heat. I am sooo excited for how it turned out that I have to share pictures.
If you have never been to my house you do not yet know of my obsession with color coordination in each room of my house. I am a weirdo I know, but I love my house. I mean, look at it!
And last week I built a fireplace screen out of 2 old windows, which match the ones hanging in the picture window of my kitchen.
Entryway rearranged complete with my favorite record player and pink Xmas tree. You can see my Damask etched windows in the kitchen in the back ground, amazingness, I know.
Last week I spent 2 nights making Xmas cards, 3 if you count the one I spent cutting and printing my lino block for them. I am really happy with how they turned out, mostly I am happy to have spent time working on art again. Although it was a little lonely it gave me some thinking time, not sure it got me anywhere, but the cards are cool.
Well that is my exciting weekend of creativity and motivation. I am off to watch the Sandlot and wrap and work on presents. Peace out.

the small things

I don't know if its the lack of spare time, the weather, or the fog in my head that has drained me of my art motivation lately, but it is safe to say it has cleared. The down fall is that I missed the time frame to design another ski for Moment and have been really down on myself for not getting things done. The up side is that all the hard work at my job has paid off and I have officially been promoted to "E-commerce Manager". Where my mind fits into all this, I still have no idea. Seems like the fog clears just long enough for me to over analyze some other random nonsense. But whatever, I AM EXCITED AGAIN!
Today me and Sarah May went antiquing for Xmas gifts and while I did find some things for other people, most importantly I found some things to make me happy. Not to mention the Xmas gift from Sarah to me; a set of glasses with gold numbers in circus font. AMAZING!



I decided I wanted to buy myself a nice big ring and I found just the one. It is big, and pretty, and I cant stop looking at it. On the way out of the Antique Mall I spotted the most amazing Gold Seagull necklace which I couldn't live without, not for only $3.







The most exciting find was an old letterpress type face box, which after I saw Sarah's all completed for the first time, I decided I needed. Both being Joseph Cornell fans, it makes sense why we have an obsession to make small, 3-D, boxed art.



The box is not complete and will change often with my flighty OCD, but here is the start. (And look how great it goes with all my favorite pictures).









It is mostly things I have found or made that are pretty or mini inside jokes to myself.
*Things I found today include house photo, lures and white seal.










*Top to Bottom -Deer and shells, "389" match book piece, smooshed coin, key, button, paint swatch, old house photo from antique mall, Kinder Egg wooden Mouse.














*Top to Bottom - Seal and Shark, "R" type key, Queen Domino, Paper Cranes, vintage fishing lures.
















*The deer Sarah May gave me with shells from my first time shooting.













*A smooshed "I Love You - Reno" penny from last winters photo field trip with Sarah May.
An old key from a jar.
A hand made button by ADA.
A green paint swatch "Wheat Grass".







I have recently realized how important the smallest things are to me and how I have only a few people in my life that really get that. It is putting feelings into perspective for me, and whether that is a good or bad thing, time will tell.

number numbers

when 10681 seems so long gone and 389 seems like a never ending battle, it makes me wonder if i will ever be at the same place as the person i love. is that even possible. when we are constantly changing and growing, does that mean we are constantly growing apart? it seems like we make these ideas of what we want, what we think we need and then once they are fulfilled the whole idea changes and we are back to square one. wanting, needing, something totally different, something out of our reach. at least for me. if these wants are what we think will make us happy, and they keep changing, will we ever be satisfied. maybe i dont want to be. maybe somewhere in my mind the striving is what keeps me going. i am not one to settle, at least i try to be that person. but some nights all of these thoughts just fly around in my head and all i end up is confused and lonely. and the memories of times that i now remember being good, that at some point i gave up on and decided they were not, flood my mind and make me wonder, will i ever even know what i want? does anyone ever really know? i know the feeling i want, i feel it so many of these nights, but then there are these nights that leave me disapointed and wondering what the fuck i am doing here. waiting. because i know one day, this, will be exactly what i want. but sometimes i wish the waiting was over and they just let it be.

beating like a hammer

i hate the feeling when you have no idea how you are feeling.
i wonder why i only feel inspired when my heart hurts and lately i have been wondering if it ever really has.
you can tell yourself you are over someone, but how do you know you are feeling it and not just thinking it. same goes for love. how do you know if you really love someone or if you are just telling yourself you do. the other night i spent a lot of time thinking about that. how do you know if any of it is even real. and maybe that is just something you don't ask yourself for fear of losing all hope.
what i decided: it is his smell that makes me believe it. of all the reasons, that's why i believe it, what sort of logic is in that.

"if i tremble, they're going to eat me alive. if i stumble, they're going to eat me alive"

bye bye australia

i am headed home tomorrow. i am homesick and ready to see my baby dog and boy and wife and friends. even ready to get back to work. it was an amazing trip, i had such a great time, was pampered, got to relax, made some great memories.
i have more pictures from the last few days, but am too tired to post them, so you will have to wait till i get home.
see you soon reno. see you next time australia, thanks for the good time.

now known as the american who loves her lettuce displays

the other day while at the grocery store i noticed how cool their lettuce and herb plant displays were. so i of course needed to take a photo. this guy who looked like he worked there kept looking at me so i was trying to be sly. then at the check out line he says to me "you must really like herb displays". and i started cracking up. i said that they didn't look like that back home and i really liked it. then the other checkers were now laughing. i said "no really i work undercover for iga markets making sure the displays are good". so yes i am now known as the American who comes to bribie island to fall in love with fishermen and take photos of vegetable displays. well look, aren't they amazing?!

oh yea about the fishermen... pat is hell bent on me marrying this cute prawn boat fisherman so i will stay. he is cute and he does have good prawns but i like my boy friend a little and our plan to smuggle rukus in to auz with a poodle costume, may not work.

So the last few days...
Tuesday started at the trawler where "red", my future husband, sold us some big crabs and told us come back Friday for the big prawns. Then after an amazing breakfast, we went thrift shopping, a nice easy day. Found some good stuff, including some bondage wears, at a thrift store who had Jesus calendars on the counter, only in Australia i guess. We feasted on giant prawns and dipping sauce, all made by pat and yummy.
Wednesday we headed to the croc hunter zoo, always a fun time. I fed the kangaroos and fell in love with the otters. It is strange how much it takes out of you, I went to bed at 8pm.
Today my cousin Beau who lives here came to see me. We hung out on the beach and "pretended we knew each other", as he would say. It was really great, except my feet are sun burnt. Then me and Bear and Pat bbq'd sausages on the beach and watched the sunset. And now I am here uploading photos.
Not sure what tomorrow holds, I think the beach sounds good. Saturday we are going to the big art market and the giant pineapple. Then Sunday its back home for me :(
I am getting a bit homesick, I miss my boys and my girls, even miss working. The summer is looking good, I have had a lot of thinking time and worked through some things and made plans for others. Its going to be good getting home, working a week then going on vacation again for Ray's birthday...oh the life I have.(they're cousins, identical cousins...)
Click to see the last few days pictures...

New Zealand, just like Lord of the Rings...

Back from NZ and having a nice time relaxing. Sort of sad that I am headed home in less than a week. Things here have been so nice, everything is just magically there when I need it, all my needs magically anticipated. My Bribie Belly is not too big yet, well I don’t know since the scale magically disappeared from the bathroom. It has been a nice time.
NZ was good, just hanging out with family. I got to meet my sister for the first time and she got to meet our cousins and aunt and uncle. She was pretty much amazing and we hit it off.
On Friday my aunt Melinda picked me up at the airport and took me to the mall to find a special gift for a special someone. Then we went back to her house and ate fish and chips. I went to bed early as I was up at 5am!
Saturday me and a mix of all my favorite Gutrys' all met my sister Mel and her "Mum" Darlene down at the waterfront for lunch. We just sat and talked and all got to know each other. The thing about the Gutry family, that I keep in touch with, is that they are the most welcoming people. Even as a kid I always felt shy when I arrived here and after a few hours it was like I had never left.
The next day my aunt and uncle took us all to Waikeke island, where I lived before we moved to the states. Mel had never been there so it was real great showing her around, at least the parts I remembered. And Rachel and Mike told us all about their lives there and all the places they lived and loved. It rained most of the day but I still got to see everything again and take some photos. We had lunch and walked the beach and just hung out. It was really great, it meant so much that they took me.
Then it was off to the zoo with my aunt Melinda, our tradition every time I come visit. It turned out to be good weather, just in time for me to leave. Then I was back on a plane after a short 4 day stay.
It was a good weekend. I was a bit overwhelmed I think and got sort of grumpy and shy. I think I was just out of my confort zone, which I am working on being more comfortable with, but its hard for me.
Meeting my sister, it is hard to explain. Just thinking about her makes me tear up, it just means so much and i cant even explain it. I always knew she was there but now its real I guess. This trip, my family, the time away from home, her, it just has made me see things in a new light. I feel really lucky to have certain people in my life, to be loved by these people and to love them. I have learnt a lot in this year, I have changed a lot, and I have grown a lot. I know that no matter what, I am going to be ok. I have a lot of work to do but it is all going to be just fine.
well enough of this sappy stuff, check the newest flickr by clicking the picture. then click the first picture and go through them in order for the story...

I come from the land down unda'

And it all starts with...."The flight from hell"
Turns out I don’t fly well, and I have real bad luck.
Not only were all my flights delayed, my bag is still in SF, and me, well I am in Sydney. So I am waiting on my flight from Sydney to Brisbane sans bag hoping that they don’t call tomorrow to tell me its gone for good.
Also turns out I am starting to have little panic attacks and flying makes me nauseas, how fun for me. I cant manage to muster up tears when my boy friend upsets me but I can cry in front of a plane full of strangers because I may miss my connecting flight, who knew?!
So I get to Sydney, find out my bag is lost, am extremely confused as to where to go, I may have even accidentally skipped through the quarantine line, go to use the pay phone and stand there for 10 mins like an asshole cas I don’t know how to dial the number I have. So I have to call the operator. Man it has been one hell of a trip so far; I guess it cant get much worse, well that is, unless you are me. Who knew I had such shit luck, well I guess I always knew but really thought life was getting better, that I deserved to have things be easy for just a minute. Who knows maybe its all just testing my strength and changes. Well I wont let these stupid things defeat me, and I am not letting stupid things ruin my trip. I just wish I could have found the mince meat pies and not krispy cream and mc-y d’s in this damn airport. Only 2 more hours to go thank god.


And then it all got much, much better...
My bag made it last night so right now I am sitting outside on the grass in my cut offs, barefoot, and make up!! Yea me!!
The last few days have been pretty incredible. Such good food, lots of pictures, relaxing, catching up, just good stuff. The weather is amazing, not too humid, not too hot, just right. Everything tastes exactly how I remember it; it’s going to be hard to go home.
The first day we went to my favorite fish and chip shop just down the road and ate out on the deck and watched pelicans and bats. The fish was amazing, the view was amazing.
Then yesterday I was up at 6am, yes 6 AM, to go meet the trawler for fresh (2 hour caught) prawns. He wasn’t there so we went to run some errands instead. I had my first mincemeat pie of the trip, and boy was it good. Got some postcards and a few presents from the art co-op up the road. We went by the pond where the old men race their RC sailboats to take pictures and Pat got wrangled into driving one. It was pretty neat. When I move here we are going to start a “Bitches with Boats” club and race the old men. After my favorite lunch, sweet chili chips and a ham sandwich, me and Bear went down to the beach and walked around. Saw some crabs, scared the crap out of me each time. Watched the birds and just chatted. Then home for Pat’s homemade Pad Thai with GIANT prawns. The ratio of noodle to prawn was about 1 to 1. If you haven’t heard me talk about her cooking ever, well it is pretty much always amazing! Can’t wait to take that recipe home for the wife to cook.
This morning I woke up at about 7 to the birds outside my window. The birds here are incredible. We have big cockatoos, rainbow parrots, and magpies. While checking my emails the baby magpie came squawking up to the window and was walking right in front of the slider. So I went to get Bear to tell him his friend was at the door. Bear seems to be quite the birder these days, telling the little magpie he will be right back with some food for him and off he goes outside to hand feed the baby. It is pretty much hilarious. So all of you who laugh at the conversations I have with Rukus, now you know where that comes from. The birds come in the yard all afternoon to wash in the bird bath and eat, they are super funny. One rainbow parrot was so determined to get this one seed that was on the other side of the fence that he tried for like a minute to get under the fence, instead of going over. He finally wiggled his way under, it was so funny.
Today we are headed to a town that I can’t remember the name of right now to wander around. We went there last time I came. Tomorrow early I am off to NZ for the weekend. I am going to meet my sister for the first time and see all my family. All of my cousins and my brother have kids now so that will be weird. Me and my mom’s sister are going to the zoo. We go each time I come, at least once. She says I drag her there but I know she loves it. Then I think if the weather is nice we are going to hike this volcano. My knee has been pretty wrecked since I got here so I am hoping it will heal up before hand. Then just lots of visiting with family and hopefully going to Waiheke, the island I grew up on to take pictures. I am so glad my Diana camera made it with my bag!!
When I get back I am going to get together with my cousin Beau who lies here in Auz. Beau and I are the only ones without kids; he said yesterday it is because we are the only ones with sense. He may be right. Also when I get back we are going to the Auz Zoo and this giant pineapple. Pat is real excited to ride the “Nut Mobile”. There is a big art market on Wednesday so we will be there too. I am pretty much not worried what we do, I am just glad to be here.
I am sure I am on the way to getting homesick and I already miss Rukus, but I will just keep stuffing my face and laying in the sun, I should be ok. Things when I get home are looking good, lots of yard work, a trip to the bay, and continuing doing fun things with my favorite new old friend. So take a look at the photos, miss me terribly and I will talk to you after NZ.
XOXOX
amber


Click image for Flickr...
(this is me writing this, on the water, with no shoes on)

"Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone"

why cant people just say how they really feel even if they are scared, even if it makes them vulnerable?

time

i dont understnad where all my time goes. i have these things i yern to do but cant seem to make it all work. a list of people i need to spend time with and cant seem to make that work either. mostly i have things i want to make. here is one i did have time for...
and an old one i scanned...
speaking of time, i guess i have had 30 mins since i got off work, so i better get to this damn website job i need to finish. sigh

scalleycat 09

the weekend countdown:
182,000 points
24 hours
60 plus miles
1 crash
2 large bruises
4 new friends
8 boobies
2 new tattoos
1 broken arrow

Click for pictures

it was a good time, got wrecked, but overall a good accomplishment. now i am getting ready for my trip in 2 weeks...

the sharp hint of new tears

i guess i am becoming that age when your friends start to get married, make babies and die.
although it seems like i have lost a friend almost every year since high school, i guess its nothing i become use to . and this time, i know it was for the best, well as best as death can be, but it is still hard.
i think i have always thought that you base your sadness level on tears cried, but what happens when they dry up? does that mean you don't care much, or that you have just become numb? i guess i need to stop believing that because i don't want to be numb.

RIP

"On the way home. This car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way"
"The hint of these new tears are sharp. I try to choke them back. But it’s useless. I'm useless against them. They're beating me with ease

aww yea

my record player has arrived, and boy am i happy to be able to listen to my records in my room. previously only heard laying on the living room floor during summer storms, now i can play them anytime!! i just bought a crosley archive record player, my treat to myself from my hard earned tax return. the rest of the money will be going to house stuff and the large amount of debt i have accumulated. also my new diana camera has arrived in time for my trip to New Zealand/Australia. man its been a good week for mail at my house.
i am getting excited about my trip, but a bit nervous at the same time. i am not real great on vacation, my dad says i have a 4 day limit before i get homesick, and yea i think he is right. and this time i will be on my own which is a bit scary. i think i am most nervous about losing things while i am gone. i think this dates back to 6th grade when we went to NZ and when i came back all of my friends no longer talked to me. and, well, i have a lot to lose right now. a good job, and amazing boy and good friends. 2 weeks is a long time. so here's to hoping they will all wait it out.
i don't know if i am just exhausted or what but the last week my tolerance level has been lowering. i have been real great this last year with all my changes, but lately i just don't want to deal with anyones crap. maybe i am realizing that all that i put into things is only returned in half and maybe i just care too much. so if i disappear for a minute, "its not you, its me". well, actually it is you, but i will get over it, haha.
and ohhh scalleycat. me and stacie are going year 2 at the 24 hour bike race. it will be another great year, even better with the 2nd bitches with brakes team racing(liz and sarah). its funny, through college, owning a business, all the things i have "accomplished", completing last years race felt like more than all that. who knows, that's weird.
well i am off to sit in my room with hot water on my record player and zone out.
xoxo

what up suckers?!

i sure am terrible at this blog writing thing!
i think one of the only reasons i write at all is knowing that sarah may reads this and looks forward to something new each week, which i don't provide. (hi sarah!)
and the other reason, when i read it after a month, i realize, man i can be kinda funny! oh and it helps me remember moments i forgot. the shitty thing about having such a terrible memory is that you forget some good memories. like the first time you kissed, or the last time. but certain things i know i will never forget as of late are:
-there are boyfriends that will fix your roof in the rain without being asked.
-20 miles and 3 girls is the perfect sunday afternoon
-working on cars and projects in your yard with your dad on a saturday is the most rewarding time. and the 12 pack of pbr and a bbq sandwich aint a bad touch
-they only push you because they love you and know youre better than to back out
-scents only last on your pillow for 5 minutes after he leaves
-gangster rap afternoons
-this...

represent, scalleycat 2009, the bitches are in it, i aint backin' down, i sweeer, word