i think they call it love

I'm starting to wonder if i really believe in love. or that i have ever really felt it. or if i have ever really had it. looking back it was always me pursuing something i thought i could fix. tell me you don't think anyone could ever love you and i see a challenge, maybe it was just that. and when its over its always me trying to keep some sort of relationship, and again forcing it. and looking back, maybe it, maybe i was never really wanted. and yes this does sound like some pitty party but i honestly have to wonder. maybe you do only get one real love and maybe i will know the difference when (if) i seen it. but to me love means never leaving, it is never ending. and i look back and i can count all my mistakes, and list all the things i swore i would never do again, but here i am forcing myself to not make that call to say "i miss you". so really i haven't made shit for changes and am once again alone listing all the things i will "never" do again. so i am stuck somewhere between what i have misconstrued as love of my past and what i lust for off the TV shows and i can really say that i don't think i believe anymore. i just don't think i have the energy to put myself out there for one more failed relationship for the chance that it may be real.

the attic tapes

those words that run over and over in your head, as if thinking the same thought a thousand times will bring you to some other conclusion.


so tired of my mind running, repeating some stupid lyric stuck in my head or some random thought made on accident that now circles as if to only exist to drive me crazy
not supposed to care, i should be fine this is not the first time alone
aren't i better than this, stronger than lonliness
wanting to think of anything other than the look he gives, of his scent or the feeling only he is capable of evincing
if he just stops i may lose it but i shouldn't care
at least that is what i am telling myself to make sense of it all
i have been here so many times it should be so routine by now
move, stop, repeat
so why now is it any different, maybe its not
push it down put your walls back up
no good at being ignored maybe that is what i am clinging to
i'm not capable of playing hard to get
i'm not able to play any games at all
the pathetic thoughts are just going in circles
the heavy hearted feeling that make no sense in my head
makes me doubt the two communicate at all
there is one "void" i wish to fill.


blah