the sharp hint of new tears

i guess i am becoming that age when your friends start to get married, make babies and die.
although it seems like i have lost a friend almost every year since high school, i guess its nothing i become use to . and this time, i know it was for the best, well as best as death can be, but it is still hard.
i think i have always thought that you base your sadness level on tears cried, but what happens when they dry up? does that mean you don't care much, or that you have just become numb? i guess i need to stop believing that because i don't want to be numb.

RIP

"On the way home. This car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way"
"The hint of these new tears are sharp. I try to choke them back. But it’s useless. I'm useless against them. They're beating me with ease

aww yea

my record player has arrived, and boy am i happy to be able to listen to my records in my room. previously only heard laying on the living room floor during summer storms, now i can play them anytime!! i just bought a crosley archive record player, my treat to myself from my hard earned tax return. the rest of the money will be going to house stuff and the large amount of debt i have accumulated. also my new diana camera has arrived in time for my trip to New Zealand/Australia. man its been a good week for mail at my house.
i am getting excited about my trip, but a bit nervous at the same time. i am not real great on vacation, my dad says i have a 4 day limit before i get homesick, and yea i think he is right. and this time i will be on my own which is a bit scary. i think i am most nervous about losing things while i am gone. i think this dates back to 6th grade when we went to NZ and when i came back all of my friends no longer talked to me. and, well, i have a lot to lose right now. a good job, and amazing boy and good friends. 2 weeks is a long time. so here's to hoping they will all wait it out.
i don't know if i am just exhausted or what but the last week my tolerance level has been lowering. i have been real great this last year with all my changes, but lately i just don't want to deal with anyones crap. maybe i am realizing that all that i put into things is only returned in half and maybe i just care too much. so if i disappear for a minute, "its not you, its me". well, actually it is you, but i will get over it, haha.
and ohhh scalleycat. me and stacie are going year 2 at the 24 hour bike race. it will be another great year, even better with the 2nd bitches with brakes team racing(liz and sarah). its funny, through college, owning a business, all the things i have "accomplished", completing last years race felt like more than all that. who knows, that's weird.
well i am off to sit in my room with hot water on my record player and zone out.
xoxo

what up suckers?!

i sure am terrible at this blog writing thing!
i think one of the only reasons i write at all is knowing that sarah may reads this and looks forward to something new each week, which i don't provide. (hi sarah!)
and the other reason, when i read it after a month, i realize, man i can be kinda funny! oh and it helps me remember moments i forgot. the shitty thing about having such a terrible memory is that you forget some good memories. like the first time you kissed, or the last time. but certain things i know i will never forget as of late are:
-there are boyfriends that will fix your roof in the rain without being asked.
-20 miles and 3 girls is the perfect sunday afternoon
-working on cars and projects in your yard with your dad on a saturday is the most rewarding time. and the 12 pack of pbr and a bbq sandwich aint a bad touch
-they only push you because they love you and know youre better than to back out
-scents only last on your pillow for 5 minutes after he leaves
-gangster rap afternoons
-this...

represent, scalleycat 2009, the bitches are in it, i aint backin' down, i sweeer, word