i think they call it love

I'm starting to wonder if i really believe in love. or that i have ever really felt it. or if i have ever really had it. looking back it was always me pursuing something i thought i could fix. tell me you don't think anyone could ever love you and i see a challenge, maybe it was just that. and when its over its always me trying to keep some sort of relationship, and again forcing it. and looking back, maybe it, maybe i was never really wanted. and yes this does sound like some pitty party but i honestly have to wonder. maybe you do only get one real love and maybe i will know the difference when (if) i seen it. but to me love means never leaving, it is never ending. and i look back and i can count all my mistakes, and list all the things i swore i would never do again, but here i am forcing myself to not make that call to say "i miss you". so really i haven't made shit for changes and am once again alone listing all the things i will "never" do again. so i am stuck somewhere between what i have misconstrued as love of my past and what i lust for off the TV shows and i can really say that i don't think i believe anymore. i just don't think i have the energy to put myself out there for one more failed relationship for the chance that it may be real.