i think they call it love

I'm starting to wonder if i really believe in love. or that i have ever really felt it. or if i have ever really had it. looking back it was always me pursuing something i thought i could fix. tell me you don't think anyone could ever love you and i see a challenge, maybe it was just that. and when its over its always me trying to keep some sort of relationship, and again forcing it. and looking back, maybe it, maybe i was never really wanted. and yes this does sound like some pitty party but i honestly have to wonder. maybe you do only get one real love and maybe i will know the difference when (if) i seen it. but to me love means never leaving, it is never ending. and i look back and i can count all my mistakes, and list all the things i swore i would never do again, but here i am forcing myself to not make that call to say "i miss you". so really i haven't made shit for changes and am once again alone listing all the things i will "never" do again. so i am stuck somewhere between what i have misconstrued as love of my past and what i lust for off the TV shows and i can really say that i don't think i believe anymore. i just don't think i have the energy to put myself out there for one more failed relationship for the chance that it may be real.

the attic tapes

those words that run over and over in your head, as if thinking the same thought a thousand times will bring you to some other conclusion.


so tired of my mind running, repeating some stupid lyric stuck in my head or some random thought made on accident that now circles as if to only exist to drive me crazy
not supposed to care, i should be fine this is not the first time alone
aren't i better than this, stronger than lonliness
wanting to think of anything other than the look he gives, of his scent or the feeling only he is capable of evincing
if he just stops i may lose it but i shouldn't care
at least that is what i am telling myself to make sense of it all
i have been here so many times it should be so routine by now
move, stop, repeat
so why now is it any different, maybe its not
push it down put your walls back up
no good at being ignored maybe that is what i am clinging to
i'm not capable of playing hard to get
i'm not able to play any games at all
the pathetic thoughts are just going in circles
the heavy hearted feeling that make no sense in my head
makes me doubt the two communicate at all
there is one "void" i wish to fill.


blah

i was once

after putting the final steps off for too long I finally sat down to work on the skis that Luke at Moment was kind enough to think I should design. so after Max calming me down from a slight melt down, I have some-what finished them. it really reminded me of college and Peter's critiques. feeling vulnerable and standing there while people who have no understanding, tell you what you should have done to make it fit in to their idea of (cliche) art. and maybe i haven't felt this exposed in awhile because i haven't made art in so long. then there's the art i have made, mostly therapy and things for other people. but that is different. thousands of people are going to see these damn skis. and if they don't like them, they could take my bike! so now sitting here half asleep and lonely i am doing my bi-annual googleing of myself and what i found were nice things people said about me the last time (i thought) i was an artist. enjoy...

(review from an art show in Carson)

What up, Amber Gutry?

Usually she’s at Never Ender, the boutique and gallery she owns in Reno , stitching together belts out of visquine and hardware-store paint samples, or providing a well-lit, much needed venue for young painters funneling out of the University of Nevada , Reno .

While not holding together the scene, she’s behind the scenes, shooting photos. With an eye for graceful combinations of the industrial and the soft, she looks for small, urban details and ends up with a mix of sparse, graphic boldness and textural abstraction that is as close to tactile as you could get in a two-dimensional medium. They exist just as pixels in files until an outlet comes along, and she takes a flexible approach to the work’s final form. The same images might end up on a quilt or in a frame.

(from RNR review of an art show at Never Ender)
For Gutry, this was also an experiment in relinquishing some of the control she would normally have over an exhibit. Part of her idea was to take a creative approach toward meeting one of the challenges of running a gallery: finding a stable of dependable artists who consistently produce good artwork.

Gutry has always been one to capitalize on whatever resources are available. In late 2004, when the walls weren’t installed in time for Never Ender’s grand opening, she held the exhibit on bare lumber framing. In this case, she’s depending on her usual artists’ professional connections to help her cast a wider net.

some days do you feel like you are walking backwards? i do today

xoxo

whoa nelly

seems like i am pretty good at starting things then moving on...so back to the blogging!

i am winding down from my 3 days off work, a little catch-up-on-life vacation. and well, i may just feel more overwhelmed than 3 days ago. my problem with having time to do things is i just end up finding more things i want to do. i did get a bit of work done that i have been putting off and i did spend some bday cash. (lets not speak of the bday). ok lets do...

i turned 27 last week and for some odd reason while you are taking shots it always seems a good idea to take more. so 2 hours later and 8 shots, 4 beers in, the vomiting began. lucky for me i had liz, sarah and pizza guy to hold back my hair and remind me to not puke on my shoes. thanks guys! so i think i may need to cut back on the drinking for a bit, i feel like i am using it as something i should not be. but maybe i just like the taste of pabst!

back to my 3 days off...i spent the better part of sunday (a beautiful reno fall day i may add), on the roof with sparky (my step dad). i had some holes that needed fixing and since i no longer have a man around he gets to help me out, lucky guy ;) it was really nice, as it always is when we fix things, just chatting the two of us. i really lucked out in the dad department by getting a best friend as well.
i spent monday with pizza guy doing, well nothing, which was pretty much amazing. (whats that movie that says something about being comfortable enough to just shut the fuck up for a while?) anyways, it was really nice just sitting on my floor sewing and knowing someone was in the room.
and today i spent thinking i wanted to shop then realizing, not so much. then working and hanging with rukus. *rukus had a tumer removed from his paw last week (thankfully it was not cancer), so he has been not too happy lately.
so now i am pretty tired from my 3 day vacation and want to climb into bed with someone cuddly, i'm guessing it will be rukus.
i have been taking new photos, mostly for the skis i am designing for Moment, you can see them on the myspace. also i have been making a lot of random art, finally, which has been amazing. art i have really missed you.
ok, i am now rambling and need to sleep....see you soon

reading and thinking

i just finished my book, "the perks of being a wallflower". its almost sad finishing a book you have spent so long picking up and putting down. so now i journey to the garage to find a new purse book and pack away some things i would rather not look at right now, but first some of my favorite parts of the book: (while listening to sun kil moon's neverending math equation, and the promise ring's all of my everythings)

"i don't understand that. i would give someone a record so they could love the record, not so they would always know i gave it to them"

"but mostly, i was crying because i was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. not caring if i saw downtown. not even thinking about it. because i was standing in the tunnel. and i was really there. and that was enough to make me feel infinite."

"when i was done reading the poem, everyone was quiet. a very sad quiet. but the amazing thing was that it wasn't a bad sad at all. it was just something that made everyone look around at each other and know that they were there, Sam and Patrick looked at me. and i looked at them, and i think they knew. not anything specific really. they just knew. and i think that's all you can ever ask from a friend."

i love that last one and i feel blessed to have some people in my life as of late that know what you are thinking and know when you need a hand on your shoulder and a full minute of staring.

and one from me:

"i am now seeing that memories are what becomes when events are no longer real. looking back at events, people, feelings from my past, it's like they were never real. like i am watching them on TV as the memories role on inside my mind. and maybe for some of the memories this is good because it separates you enough to make you numb to them. maybe there were never real."

image to follow, it is drying and in need of stitching.

the end of summer

its hard to believe the summer is about over. i haven't really done much but on the other side i have done so much. this was my summer of change so maybe i cant weigh it as the physical things i didn't do, but as the mental things that have made the world of difference. but looking back, drinking, bikes, girls, reading, pretty much amazing. i think my favorite moment was on the porch having the most amazing talk with 3 of the greatest people i have known.
well summer, i have a few weeks to make the most of you, we will see what happens.

summer song

"The clouds in the summer sky don't do shit for the heat..."

ceiling fan and record player for ford truck window
Record player fixed, just in time for it to not rain

but it sure did try

elizabeth

i have lost a few friends and never seen the sense in it, why good, young people die. i know there are reasons in religion but what about the reasons for the rest of us? seems like the ones who go i have distanced myself from their lives because i saw them going down and maybe that made it easier. but in this case life just got in the way. people change, people distance, but you always love your friends and they always you. you can add all the "shes no longer in pain"s that you want but the truth of the matter is shes dead and i don't see any sense in it. i just want to see her one more time. i guess the only piece of sense i can find is that each time you lose someone you hold the others so much closer and your moments seem so much more important.
"you're going to sink wearing that heart of gold"

blah

i dont know if the weekend exhaustion finally set in or the mental over-everything-ness, but im beat.
the weekend art on the lawn went super well, i would have sunk if it wasnt for stacie. talk about a true friend, she basically rang everyone up all day and didnt complain at all. what a gal.
sarah arrives this weekend, im excited, its going to be weird for sure having her in the same town.
well this is lame and im too tired to be exciting, so goodnight

what i (we) built last night

What I Built Last Night by The Casket Lottery
"(Oh me of little faith...) Offer nothing to believers, but words. whether the hand of God, or the work of the Devil. the burden is upon my shoulders. (All these words whispered in my ears...) Nothing is sacred, for we are all sheep (All these words whispered in the air...). I'm not the sheperd by any means. i'm merely the man with schematics for building the bridge. sacrificed by hands."

sometimes i have these things that i have to do that make my heart sink into my stomach and i all of a sudden feel too overwhelmed to breath. when we had the store it was putting up the walls, then it was sanding the floors, then it was taking the walls down, well pretty much everything felt like that i guess. so today as im staring at the framed walls my step dad and i hung last weekend, i suddenly felt so overwhelmed at the idea of drywall, mud, texture, paint, carpet, baseboards and door trim.
well just like everything else i freak out about, it is finished, well the hard part is, and it really wasn't so bad.

the story of sunday afternoons in july aka me and sparky's only days off spent working...

last sunday we bought wood, planned it out, made the frame and hung the door. i stood on 2x4's while sparky screwed them together, thats about all i was good for on sunday.

today we cut dry wall, "sheet rock" as sparky calls it, i call it pain in my butt. he made it all look so easy, but turns out, after he left to to my own devices to finish up, my "sheet rock" cutting skills are sub par...(to be continued).

we even insulated it, stacie will be nice and warm and quiet. we even wore masks and gloves so we dont die.
if this was a close up you could see how much better sparky's side is than mine. but i did my side, almost all on my own (anthony held the "sheet rock" and tightened a few screws), cut the dry wall, insulated it and screwed it up. I even had a good attempt at hammering the finishing nails into/at the door frame. there are a few extra dents in the door frame but hey gives it character.

so even though my first adventure in home construction was overwhelming, i accomplished something huge, well we did, ok sparky did, but i helped! and so did ruky!


something for fun....

you have all seen this photo, from way back when we first met, i think anthony had just gotten out of the hospital (i am assuming this based on how thin he looks in the face). those two boys look very alike....


...well the other night they were being crazy as they do and i caught another twin moment...

i swear, they are lucky they are cute, cas they drive me nuts!

how i spent my "me time" for today...
i walked rukus, i made myself dinner alone for the first time in a long long time, i watched a movie while doing a lino cut, i made this very long blog, and now i will go read some more of "don't sweat the small stuff", or maybe a new zine i got in the mail yesterday!

and you can say you knew me when

i have been making a lot of changes in my life and myself since i closed the store. and so many of my friends have made comments about seeing the changes and applauding me for it. and i have tried before and failed, well maybe i didn't but no one said such things before. so i really feel like i am doing good this time around. and the more praise i get the more my spirits lift and i keep going harder and harder, changing more and more and trying to become the person i will be proud of. so the other night a friend who i have had for a very long time said something along the lines of "i know this is just how you are". the content was an email i sent out where i was being realistic about an upcoming event. so this comment really hurt my feelings and mad me mad because how could he say that when he has no idea who i am anymore. this friend who never calls any of us. so then i thought about it and realized, this person who everyone always thinks is so nice, happy and positive, when i look at it, he is the one who is negative. maybe he is even unhappy, i don't know. anyways the moral of this story is that i let it roll off me, not the amber you all knew once. and to all of my friends who have been the ones there pushing me, cheering me on through all these life changes, thank you. thats all i can say.

before my head explodes

as you all know, i work a lot right now. and i'm ok with it, i'm ok with my jobs, i'm ok with my summer not being as carefree as most. but i have noticed that i have been getting stressed and actually shaky. so i have decided i need to take 30 minutes to an hour a day for "me time" before i go crazy. and you know i couldn't do this without lists and rules so here is my list of what qualifies as "me time", in case i run out of ideas:
working on letters
taking pictures
working on any art
watching a movie and not working while doing so
blogging :)
going out with friends
going to the movies alone
going to eat alone
(i have honestly never done either and i think its past due)
walking Rukus (thats me and him time, even better)
going to the library
shopping (for fun, not necessity)
hanging out in my yard, bbqing or making marshmellows or even just sitting on my porch
riding my bike (girls with gears is back and bigger than ever)
sitting by the river
working out

so we will see how far i get with this.
my "me time" for today is emails, blogging while watching a movie on Hank Williams that i got from the library. maybe i will go get some marshmellows and beers and hang out in front of the fire outside in the already smoky air.

check list for summer

i say a lot of things, make a lot of plans that i don't go through with. lately i don't have much in the way of spare time, but i am dissapointed that all i do when i'm not working is work. so here is my check list of things i have to do at least once this summer:
1. the clubhouse birth
2. sit on porch with my twinkle lights on hanging out and chatting
3. back yard bbq at my new house
4. park bbq on bikes
5. river bike rides, reunite the bike gang
6. go the the south lake waterfalls
7. eat at the beacon in south lake
8. skateboard at night
9. there are more but i don't remember right now...
to be continued!

just another friday night

or not
i had been thinking this week how my summer hasn't really started. all i have been doing is working and i'm ok with it, but i feel like i should get a little summer too.
so last night was perfect, it felt like the summer i had wanted

things i did last night that were amazing...
ate cheap pizza washed down with cheap beer outside with good friends
harassed a dishwasher
hung out at a bar i find myself at a lot lately, but haven't hung out at since 2004
saw some good old friends and heard "it is so good to see you" a lot
socialized with strangers
met someone who should have been at my best show ever
...and my favorite part...
SKATEBOARDED!
pretty good night. good friends. good conversation. and best friend necklaces

thanks ladies!

I heart the library

this may sound really stupid but i love the library. i never really went, at least not on my own will, mostly for school only. i actually just got a new library card this year, and hadn't had one since maybe middle school.
so today i go to pick up a book i was holding, "don't sweat the small stuff for women", and checked out the movie section, yes they have movies too! i picked up a hank williams movie and a street car named desire. so as i am walking out of the library with my movies and book i just feel so fulfilled, and they are free! maybe this part should have come first, but another thing i love is that i can go online and hold books, its sort of like shopping, and then they send the books to my favorite library. i sort of got addicted to that last week. and my favorite library is sierra view. i love that old shopping center, maybe because i spent a lot of time there as a kid, theres just something that feels so familar and safe about it. it makes me want to get a book and sit in the little table and chairs and hang out eatting a sandwich, i hope to do this at some point when life settles down.
so this all may sound total stupid to most people because unlike me you didn't just discover the library, but to me, the place is amazing.

oh and then i got home to my package of things i ordered from modish, and boy they are amazing!

here is a new polaroid...
these are my very first, very own sweet peas. i have always wanted to have sweet peas in my yard and lucky me, my house came chalked full of them! and right next to this batch, honeysuckle!

blog

lately i have been feeling so out of touch with my life because i am working so much. i just go tmy head on straight and have had some amazing times out with friends but right now feel like all i want to do after my 13 hour day is be at home. i have some big plans and big changes coming this summer and i want to be able to share them and this seems like the best way.
so welcome to my blog, my first, we will see how this goes...